Ten Things I Learned the Week of May 27 - June 2

Warning. Some things I learned this week fall in to the Too Much Information category, but being that they were some of the more amusing moments of my week, I had to include them.

1. Of the 300+ movies I have on DVD, only about 50 are going to have a spot in my new home. That means discounted DVDs will soon be available to friends and family.

2. My favorite voice in pop music currently belongs to Pink.

3. My biggest turn-off: a girl without a sense of humor.

4. There's a parking spot at Best Buy, just two from the front, that is always open when I drop in. An old man with a walker nearly beat me to it today, but I was just too quick for him.

5. It's been three years since anybody's seen me naked, but that's still no excuse for me freaking out when Buzz snuck into the bathroom when I was taking a shower.

6. It doesn't matter how old they get, or how much they should know better, some girls still get all aflutter over quaterbacks. Even Steamwheelers quarterbacks.

7. It's impossible not to be a little bit of a tourist in a disaster zone. I felt guilty for being so fascinated by the devastation in the Muscatine area this week.

8. Mario Party's fun quotient diminishes by 1/4 each time you lose a player.

9. I am hoping that my closing tomorrow will represent a drastic upward shift in an otherwise static existance as of late.

10. Carlos Zambrano will be a bigger disappointment to Cubs fans than either Kerry Wood or Mark Prior.

Ten Things I Learned the Week of May 20 - May 26

1. We get a copy of the Victoria's Secret catalog at my house courtesy of "Mandrew" Rockwell. No kidding. MANdrew.

2. Kristina Shiroma is a little bit sciency, and a little bit party. And a lot bit making up her own words.

3. I'm not as cynical as I sometimes believe. The Travis Hearn home build was the first time I've been inspired at work in a long time.

4. The ending of season 3 of Lost is the greatest mindfuck I have ever experienced in all of pop culture. It was so nasty, so complex, and so unbelievably well-conceived that I will forever be in awe of that show's creators. The next nine months will be agony for anyone who loves this show.

5. Everybody I work with assumes I'm love with every girl I'm pleasant to. I can say, with absolute certainty that they have been off the mark with every girl they've suspected. What part of "I have a shameless crush on Keagan Feeney" is unclear?

6. It takes more muscles to frown than it takes to smile. So happy people are just lazy.

7. I respond to all of Buzz's indiscretions like the stiff at the end of the Mentos commercials. Hands on hips, shaking my head with a smile.

8. My brother has a girlfriend. Or at least he has a girl who calls him her boyfriend.

9. I have been increasingly worthless to the people that matter the longer I've had to wait to close on my house. But fear not gentle souls, because...

10. I will close on my house at 10AM the morning of June 4th. Finally Buzz will have his own fenced in yard in which to liberally spread his bodily waste.

Ten Things I Learned the Week of May 13 - May 19

1. My blood pressure is very high, and I'm likely six months away from medication, unless...

2. I lose weight. The doctor called me fat. Ever been called fat in an Indian dialect. It's weird. It took me a while to get what he was saying. "My feet? What's wrong with my feet? I don't understand."

3. Deep down I clearly think Jerry Falwell is more evil than Al-Zarqawi was. I didn't have near the thrill of hearing of Zarqawi's death as I did hearing of Falwell's.

4. I completely overuse the word "tremendous," and usually I don't even mean it when I say it.

5. If you attend movies on opening weekend, you are partly responsible for the high percentage of cinematic shit that Hollywood churns out.

6. I know a girl who, if I had any good sense about me, I should be dating, but I'm an idiot, and therefore, won't.

7. The DASH diet, which is the diet my kidney specialist prescribed for me, earned its namesake because it makes you want to dash to the nearest tall building and jump off.

8. I can do many of the same things I could do as a younger man. It just hurts more and for a longer period of time after I do them.

9. Kristina Shiroma has a bigger head than I do. Insert own joke here.

10. I am an evil genius with an excellently evil secret.

Ten Things I Learned the Week of May 6 - May 12

1. I have absolutely no desire to go to a movie theater anymore.

2. Buzz is White Sox colors.

3. I can sum up everything I hate about the television business in one word: affectation.

4. Friday Night Lights is coming back for a second season. Which means all of my nearest and dearest can expect an incessant, evangelistic badgering to please join me in watching the best show on television.

5. Harrison Ford hasn't made an entertaining movie in ten years (Air Force One - 1997).

6. All television journalism should look like Bill Moyers' Journal on PBS.

7. Just when I think I've outgrown my asthma and allergies -- they top rope elbow drop me and ruin my weekend.

8. Going to the driving range is not "golfing."

9. If you throw toys under the couch, my dog will give himself a concussion.

10. I usually get two good months out of Netflix before it becomes a total waste of money.

Ten Things I Learned the Week of April 29 - May 5

1. I'm sorry Barbaro's dead. Not because I give a shit about a horse, but because there are over 3,000 US Soldiers who didn't get near as many prayers and prime time specials after they died.

2. I resent people who watch either Deal or No Deal or The Real Wedding Crashers. The success of these shows and shows like them are the reason why the best television program I've ever seen -- Friday Night Lights -- may not get a second season.

3. May sweeps is where we in television make our money. It's also the month where we put on some of our worst television of the year.

4. Insurance companies hate me.

5. Sometimes the world is going to crumble around you, and you're going to have to watch and take the blame.

6. I am very attracted to girls with deep voices. And this concerns me.

7. It's impossible not to feel like an Adonis when you hit a golf ball farther than a driving range's outer limits (which is 300+ at Highland Springs).

8. Work has made me fat again. Too many stops at gas stations in the middle of nowhere when my lunch is in the fridge back at the station.

9. Wal-Mart is a scary place. Seriously. I'm not fucking around. There's going to be a horror movie made there one of these days where the hillbillies roaming the aisles start killing the innocent middle class folk who had to stop in to get some golf balls (or something).

10. I have moved past impatient into the realm of pissy when it comes to waiting to get into my new house. However, the fact that they've taken down the For Sale sign from the front yard heartens me a little bit.

Ten Things I Learned the Week of April 22 - April 28

1. Long distance relationships are bullshit. You can't develop anything remotely substantial when you don't spend enough time together to piss each other off.

2. When the wind blows through the trees in my backyard it sounds like the "monster" from Lost.

3. I understand eating disorders now. After spending a flu-ruined day alternating between sitting on the toilet and bending over it, I lost six and a half pounds. If it weren't for the rib-cracking dry-heaves, I might actually be on board.

4. It's damn near impossible to teach a dog anything when there are three people responsible for his care-taking. Grandma pampers. I'm the discipinarian. And Grandpa is just confused.

5. When I have a fever over a hundred, I have the scariest dreams you could ever imagine. One I'm able to remember is me packing heat at Rocky after a school shooting perpetrated by Omar from The Wire and featuring a guest appearance from Morgan Webb from G4. She wasn't so scary, but the rest was.

6. My impatience with the process of getting into my house is starting to get taken out on the people around me. I'm apologizing now in case you're one of these unfortunate people.

7. It's much easier to be into fantasy baseball when you're in first place rather than fifth.

8. Apparently, the word fifth doesn't look right, even when I spell it right.

9. I didn't LEARN this, but I have a strong suspicion: Lying in bed for 36 hours leaves you with more aches and pains than running a marathon.

10. One way to ensure that your favorite television show of all time never ends -- don't watch the season finale. A tactic I'm currently employing with Friday Night Lights.

Ten Things I Learned the Week of April 15 - April 21

1. My life seems to boil down to one major choice -- be sick or be broke.

2. There's something extremely hot about a girl who doesn't throw like a girl.

3. The entertainment differential between a good AFL2 team and a bad AFL2 team is astronomical. I'm actually a fan of this year's Quad City Steamwheelers team.

4. One of the greatest musical sins I've ever committed was not listening to Beck after high school -- a sin I've now rectified.

5. Just because you offend nearly everyone with your opinion, doesn't mean you're wrong. It just means most people aren't ready to hear what you have to say.

6. I punish myself more severely than anyone else could punish me.

7. I'm surprisingly uncomfortable around one half of my extended family.

8. The first sunburn of the year always sneaks up on you.

9. The Cubs/Cards rivalry is a lot more fun when I'm surrounded by Cardinal fans at work. Come on boys. I want that rubber match today.

10. Not only is Buzz part tigger, but he's apparently part gopher as well. He loves burrowing under the couch to get to the power cords behind it.

Ten Things I Learned the Week of April 8 - April 14

1. My dog can officially kick a Papillon's butt. Not a dog of much distinction, but he's only 8 weeks old.

2. You can develop dimples at 27. Or they may just be my first wrinkles.

3. I can't watch Friday Night Lights in public. I nearly broke down in tears watching it at work.

4. Many of the people in my fantasy baseball league think I'm stupid. I've gotten ridiculous trade offers all week.

5. I have the perfect house number for a serious Lost fan -- 1516.

6. If you believe you've been forgiven for some past transgression, get the subject of that transgression drunk and you'll quickly find out the truth.

7. On my days off, I can do nothing like nobody's business. Especially if the Cubs are on.

8. My first major purchase for my new house will be a monster grill.

9. One of the more awkward injuries of my life has no resulted in the gradual loss of one half of my fingernail.

10. You can't go wrong with free T-shirts. It doesn't matter what they say.

Ten Things I Learned the Week of April 1 - April 7 (Plus Five Things from the Uninspiring Previous Week)

1. "That's gonna leave a mark" stopped being funny around 1991.

2. If anybody gives birth in my new house, their child will be able to answer "Yes" to the question "Were you born in a barn?"

3. Kit Kat Bites are the first candy I have eaten to the point of illness since the infamous International Media Systems/Starburst Jelly Bean incident of Final Week 2001.

4. Though I'm not a fan of concerts, I find it very cool that my parents went to see Eric Clapton at The Mark.

5. One of the worst things about poor leadership is the inability to recognize just how hard everyone around is working to make up for their "superior's" shortcomings.

6. If my behavior with my new puppy, Buzz, is any indication of my behavior with my children, my kids will spend much of their time sleeping in a cage.

7. Sometimes a puppy just needs a good snuggle. Other times he needs to bite your nose.

8. Puppy teeth hurt more than grown-up dog teeth.

9. Buzz is a humper. Just like his uncle.

10. Live fantasy baseball drafts are tremendous, until the next morning when the buzz wears off and you wonder what the hell you were doing picking Chone Figgins in the ninth round (I didn't really do that).

11. Buzz is part Tigger. He bounces everywhere.

12. Going to the driving range last week was absolutely pointless thanks to this godforsaken weather.

13. Something that never gets old: raking a zombie's head off with a scythe. God bless the sick minds who came up with Dead Rising.

14. A five pound creature can still completely dominate your sleeping arrangments in a queen size bed.

15. The amount of facial hair I have correlates directly with my self-esteem from day-to-day.

Ten Things I Learned the Week of March 18 - March 25

Much of the credit for this week's list goes to "The Book," a collection of questions that Beth Marsoun has to make sure that her parties are never dull.

1. "Here It Goes Again" by Ok Go makes me speed, but the band name seems to suggest that its ok.

2. John Locke is back to being my favorite character on Lost, and that makes the show infinitely better.

3. I only eat licorice in pairs, or folded in half to give the illusion of two.

4. Nikki Clark is the only girl in my long romantic history that I still have hang-ups about not pursuing as whole-heartedly as she deserved.

5. A dropped camera at a press conference is a little like a young child tripping and falling in a public place. Everybody gasps and runs to see if it's ok, and then they talk shit about the careless parent when the crowd disperses.

6. I can't tell the difference between a vegitarian and spicy italian Subway Sub. Sorry Dan. If it makes you feel any better the spicy italian gave me some serious heartburn.

7. These lists would be a whole lot more entertaining if I learned to write things down when I thought of them rather than assuring myself I'll remember.

8. Swinging a golf club feels so sweet at the time, but the next morning can be a little rough on the ribcage.

9. I thought nothing more nerveracking than asking out a beautiful girl, but putting out a lowball offer on a house I really love may take the cake.

10. KWQC's 10 o'clock newscast kicks all kinds of ass. Nearly 1 out of every 2 television sets being watched in the QC area from 10-10:30 is watching us. It's good to be the king.

Things I Learned the Week of March 11 - March 17

1. There’s nothing more endearing than a super-model-hot girl absolutely eating it on a treadmill. Thank you Quatro Razor. Your commercials are truly off the hizzy.

2. And along a similar track, Becki Newton’s Amanda on Ugly Betty is the hottest woman on television. As skilled a comedienne as she is a cover girl, she’s impossible not to love even when her character is as shallow and despicable as she can be.

3. Part of me wishes spring training didn’t exist. For baseball lovers its just a big tease. Mediocre product with no consequences. I guess it doesn’t hurt to hear Steve Stone doing games every few days though.

4. For sociologically fascinated guys like me, open houses are absolutely thrilling. I could make a career out of just making up stories about the families whose houses I’ve visited.

5. The Spider-Man 3 previews are better than 95% of the movies I’ve seen in the past year.

6. I’ve fallen completely in love with a house mainly because it already has its own nickname -- The Barn.

7. HBO’s The Wire is the best television show you’re not watching (provided you finally started watching Battlestar Galactica).

8. Apparently, a boobshelf is a certain part of a female anatomy that is meant to collect portions of a meal that miss a lady's mouth.

9. Because Nintendo is notoriously slow in releasing their signature games, having a Nintendo Wii is a little like having a taste of the best sex ever just before the girl leaves for a six month tour of the moon. …. Holy shit. I think I just became the biggest nerd on the face of the planet.

10. “All that and a bag of chips” is the most retarded idiom in the English language. Does a bag of chips really up the stakes that much? Man, I thought that was great… then the Ruffles came into play and WOW!

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Ten Things I Learned the Week of March 4 - March 10

1. It's a little difficult to meet a blog deadline when you don't have internet for an entire day.

2. Winter is not kind to my waistline. No two-piece for me for a while.

3. If you use mint floss, you might want to take your contacts out first. Minty freshness should never be applied to one's retinas.

4. Any girl who can execute an uncoached, non-requested exploding pound automatically jumps at least a point on the 10 scale. I think that means the exploding pound has just created the ultra-rare 11.

5. Since I didn't become one myself, and I really should have, I think I'm destined to marry a teacher.

6. It's impossible to be "dark and mysterious" while wearing a stick-on nametag.

7. Don't judge a comedian by his sitcom. George Lopez defines harmless mediocre television sitcoms, but his past two stand-up specials have been two of the funniest I've seen in my life.

8. Taking my favorite show of the past five years out of my TiVO was just about as bad a break-up as I've had in recent years. I'm sorry 24. It's me, not you... No wait. It is you. Plus I found a new sweetheart down the dial. She's named Friday Night Lights.

9. After renewing my quest to create the greatest home video of all time, I'm now certain that one of my dearest friends should be dead today.

10. Sometimes, you just have to sleep on the couch.

Quote of the week: "He's nice the way your uncle who molested you is nice." -- Beth Marsoun

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Ten Things I Learned the Week of February 25 - March 3

Welcome kids to my new blog. It's simple, to the point, and it'll give you something new to look forward to on Sundays. It's called Ten Things I Learned this Week. So, without further ado....

1. An entire night with a high school senior as my intern showed me that even ten years later I still have nothing to say to high school girls.

2. According to a new pop hit bouncing about the airwaves, the new definition of love is giving your special someone their very own ringtone. Oh how I long for the day when I can look forward to Don't Cha blaring from my cell.

3. OCD + RPG = Where the fuck did my weekend go?

4. If you sleep by candlelight, plan on hacking some black in the morning.

5. How long do you wait to call a girl who just got out of a lengthy relationship? I didn't learn the answer to that question, but the fact that she has a new boyfriend is probably a sign I waited too long.

6. There is no answer to the question "What is news?"

7. It's possible to be pissed at a friend for doing what is in their best interest (it's only cause I miss you already Jas).

8. I need to find a sweet girl posthaste. Lonely Phil = Phil on the verge of doing something stupid.

9. Having over 1000 clips to sort through will drive you to homicide when you can't find the ONE CLIP that you need to finish the opening credits of the greatest home video of all time.

10. The Chicago Cubs are the closest I will ever come to a religion, which just proves my point that religion at its core is a completely irrational enterprise.

27th Birthday Q&A

So, three years ago, fully entrenched in my first year of blogging, I decided I needed some sort of staple for my birthday, to see how I've changed over the years. I fell upon James Lipton's questionnaire from the end of Inside the Actor's Studio. Here is this year's compilation.

Phil (dramatic pause) what is your favorite word?

25: Asinine
26: Grace (as in that of a dancer)
27: Hubris

What is your least favorite word?

25: Dude.
26: Job,
27: Lastly

What turns you on?

25: Intelligent conversation.
26: Grace.
27: Simplicity

What turns you off?

25: Ignorance, and indifference to one’s own ignorance.
26: Bad and/or irrational arguments.
27: Low self-esteem with a dash of desperation

What sound do you love?

25: The ticking clock theme from 24.
26: Rain with a dash of distant thunder.
27: The ambiance of an afternoon game at Wrigley Field

What sound do you hate?

25: My dog, Scamp, barking at the raccoons at three in the morning.
26: Wire hangers scraping against the metal crossbeam in my mother's fabric room.
27: The unwanted cheerleading of an inept weekend producer.

What profession, other than yours, would you like to attempt?

25: Chicago Cubs’ play-by-play man. I’d say starting pitcher, but who are we kidding?
26: Well, being that I'm unemployed, I can pick anything here. Dramatic television writer.
27: Sportscaster.

What profession, other than yours, would you not like to participate in?

25: Anything involving tips. Never again.
26: We're gonna stick with last year's on that one.
27: TV Reporter

What is your favorite curse word?

25: Bullshit or horseshit. Any word involving animal excrement I find quite delightful.
26: Bollocks.
27: Fuck

Finally, if heaven exists, what would you like God to say when you arrive at the pearly gates?

“I suppose I have some explaining to do.” This answer will never change.

Smitten (With a Catch?)

Allow me a moment to describe my present physical state. My heart rate is elevated. My stomach is in knots. My palms are sweating. I’m typing furiously; it’s all I can do to channel my nervous energy. My eyes are burning, but I can’t fall asleep. And my face has broken out in a way it hasn’t since high school. I used an Oxy pad tonight for the first time since the 10th grade.

And what is it that has me in such a sad state? It’s simple. A beautiful girl has my phone number.

I can hear the social elite in my audience scoff. Ooo. Big deal. I know most people exchange numbers (and other things) like they’re passing out Tic Tacs. Well, I don’t. And since my last phone conversation with her, all I want to do is talk to her again. I left two messages with her this evening, and it’s taking everything in my being not to call again.

What the hell is wrong with me? This is why I have self-diagnosed myself socially retarded. Fortunately for me, it’s not a chronic condition. It only appears when I am utterly smitten with a girl. How do I classify smitten? For me, there’s a very specific physical symptom. I’ll find myself thinking about her, drift off into my head, and when I come back to the real world, I’ll be grinning ear-to-ear. I haven’t been smitten in… I honestly don’t think I’ve ever been smitten. Attracted, yes. I’ve crushed quite frequently. But not smitten. Never. I’ve never been so utterly charmed by a girl that the mere thought of her makes me smile involuntarily. I got caught doing just that today in the sports office.

Dan walked in and stopped just inside the door.

“What are you grinning about?” he asked.

I smiled just a little wider. I was proud of my answer.

“A beautiful girl,” I told him.

“God bless you,” he endorsed, in his best T.C. impression.

I’ve found myself drifting off as I’ve been writing this. Unfortunately, I’m reminded of some of the stupid things I’ve said to her over the past couple days and then I just want to bang my head on my laptop.

I’m about to reveal a very personal secret to you all now. I’m not proud to admit it, but it’s essential to the rest of this story. I’m going to tell you how you can determine which girls I’m romantically interested in.

I make a complete jackass out of myself in front of them.

The last girl who got my heart rate up caused me to walk into a doorjamb. And that girl was nothing compared to the one I can’t stop thinking about now. My jackassery in this case comes in the form of bad jokes. Really bad. Now, those who already know and love me will tell you -- I’m a pretty funny guy. When I’m at the top of my game, you better have Depends handy. Tonight, there was a running joke in the office involving an e-mail that I absolutely knocked out of the park, repeatedly. I turned my producer so red with laughter Kool-Aid man would have been jealous. But I told this girl a joke tonight that not only killed our conversation, but may have creeped her out just a bit.

There’s a much wiser version of me in the back of my head who is screaming at the top of his lungs “JESUS! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? THAT’S NOT FUNNY! IT’S NOT EVEN CLOSE TO FUNNY! YOU FREAKY BASTARD! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?”

Hmm. That was a lot of caps.

Oh well.

It’s a good thing I have a bite plate to prevent me from grinding my teeth at night. Because every time I think of that joke…

Part of me feels like I need to justify my insanity when it comes to this girl. Thankfully, I started a list. It started off as a joke (a charming, if not funny one) during one of our conversations, but it’ll help me feel a little less crazy this evening.

It’s a little like Jeff Foxworthy. While his famous line goes “You might be a redneck if…,” my line goes “you might be my dream girl if…” Some of these are completely silly and superficial and I include them only to give as complete a picture as possible.

1. She loves her family above all other things. (She does).
2. She’s modest enough to go bowling on a first date (She is).
3. She’s a natural brunette, official hair color of the girl next door (She is).
4. She hates American Idol as much as I do (She does).
5. She has a dusting of freckles (She does)
6. She has a smile that lights up a room (She does, and the only reason I make bad jokes is because I’m desperate to see as much of it as possible).
7. Pure and simple, she’s sweet (She is one of the sweetest I’ve ever encountered).
8. She forces me to act outside my nature in a good way (The fact that I gave her my number AND called her is proof enough that this one is true).
9. She has great legs (Superficial, but she has amazing legs).
10. She’s an expert spooner (No proof yet, but dying to find out).
11. Everything about her is so perfect, I can’t help but wonder what the catch is (hopefully the catch isn’t that she never calls me back).

That’s just eleven. I have 24. In one weekend I have 24. But the most important one -- and I’m going by the evidence of our last conversation, not the fact that I haven’t heard from her tonight -- she seems to like me. I don’t know if I deserve that. I’m being a complete crazy bastard staying up late and writing about this girl I barely know. But I want to know her better. I want her to know me better -- to know that I’m not a complete lunatic once I’m comfortable enough to be me and not try to make so many DAMN JOKES.

See this… this is why I’ve been single for two years. Well, the fact that I haven’t been interested in anyone before this girl is a part of it. But a bigger part is this is the only aspect of my life where I am stupid, with plenty of room to be stupider. I am crazy smart, confident, charming, funny… blah blah blah blah blah -- but then along comes a beautiful brunette with bright blue eyes and a megawatt smile and I lose it. I run into walls. I have to handcuff myself to a chair so I don’t leave her 60 voice messages. I write three page blogs about her when I barely know her. This girl has made me completely insane, even though my friends can attest I’m one of the least crazy, most reasonable kids on the block (and if any of you frequent readers would like to swear to that effect I’d appreciate you leaving a comment -- you never know if she might stop by). But this girl has made me absolutely nuts.

I'm praying she doesn’t hold my insanity against me.

I'm praying she calls.

If she does, well, she very well may be my dream girl.

The End of the Longest Year

Even after falling off the face of the earth for the last three months of 2006, I can't help but look back at my bountiful contributions to the blogosphere this past year and marvel that I had so much free time on my hands. Yes, as the year wore on my voracious appetite for the clatter of a keyboard diminished as my life got busier and my brother got safer, but as I look back on the year that was, I am overcome by the many trials both myself and my loved ones endured in the most tumultuous year I can recall.

To give you proper perspective on how far we've come this year, I'll direct you to my first blog of 2006. Only a handful of people have ever seen this post. I posted it on a blog I coyly described as my "black site," a blog separate from The Longest Year that constituted my own personal essays that were too "gloom and doom" for the site I set up for my family. My cousin Brian knew about it. My friend Jasmyne knew about it. And my brother knew about it. But that's it. I'm sharing it now only because a year of hindsight and perspective would likely soften the gravity of my family's situation last December. But my less prescient avatar of a year ago brings it all back.

At this time last year I was unemployed, having recently been laid off from an unbearable job in the Thoms Proestler warehouse that only exacerbated my malaise over my brother's deployment to Iraq. My only solace came from my Playstation that efficiently whittled away the hours in my day as well as contributing to an unprecedented and unsightly weight gain. I reached the pinnacle of my girth at 235, the highest weight I've ever tallied -- including my ramen obsessed college years. And with all this going on, I know you are all shocked -- SHOCKED -- to learn I was also a bachelor. Any other doubts about my dire situation at the start of 2006? Take a look at my birthday present from the city of Rock Island. And the fact that my birthday comes the month after Christmas is no excuse.

The winter months passed with no change on the employment front, but what was disastrous for my bank account proved invaluable in helping my family acclimate themselves to the anxiety of a family at war. As the new year began, my brother and I started having regular conversations over instant messenger. Not only did this afford me the opportunity to update my family with alarming regularity, it also allowed me to compile two "Rolling Stone" articles between myself and my brother (revisit them here and here). Those two stories and one other (which I'll get to later) are three of my favorite pieces I've ever written.

About the time I got a trash can for my birthday, things started to turn around. Not pleased with my ever-expanding ass, I took the lead from my mother and got on Weight Watchers. Since I had inherited her tendency to eat when stressed, I knew that if I didn't get control of my caloric intake I'd make quick work of even my most forgiving elastic waistbands. By the end of the summer I had lost over forty pounds and scratched the surface of the 180's (which I had not seen since high school). Despite a few awkward side-effects to my new eating habits and exercise regimine, I shaved off my extra chin and I'm proud to say it has not grown back despite my slightly increased gluttony over the holidays (you try saying "No" to mom's broccoli casserole).

After a couple months playing biographer for my brother, good fortune finally came my way on March 22nd, when the television station of my youth called to offer me a job. The next day I joined KWQC's studio crew. The fact that I'm working at the number one television in my hometown has become old hat (unless you're impressed by it, at which point I will say "bask in my glorious self-importance"), but after spending four years bartending, warehousing, and retailing, finally getting a job in a medium to which my talents are suited was a godsend. It's led to some of the best moments of my life (as well as a prescription for anti-anxiety medication Three cheers for elevated heart rate!!).

The world of news introduced me to myraid new things, the first of which was MySpace. Within my first month on the studio crew, I joined the social network along with a bevy of my coworkers. I got settled just in time for the infamous Bloggergate -- in which a disgruntled and borderline insane director posted a venomous diatribe about my boss' religious persuasion. The director was suspended for a week and all of us in the studio were gloriously entertained. Aside from centralizing the office gossip, MySpace also served as a tremendous hub for communicating with Andrew and his legions of fans.

And that communication became increasingly important as things in Iraq deteriorated. From the destruction to the Golden Mosque to the burgeoning civil war, we received weekly updates from Andrew regarding the troubling situation. And just when it seemed the US had scored a major victory in the death of al-qaeda in Iraq leader Al-Zarqawi, fate dealt my family a swift backhand. The night after that momentous kill, my brother's humvee hit an IED that obliterated his vehicle and seriously injured both himself and his driver. Naturally, our world stopped as Andrew was put on a plane and sent back to the States. The attack severed a nerve in his leg, an injury that will be with him for the rest of his life. Andrew has adjusted well to the injury -- his mobility is quite remarkable considering everything -- but he will face many difficult trials ahead as his military career winds down.

Speaking of career changes, I made a drawn out transition from studio grunt to full-time photojournalist. The promotion has not been void of blessings, though I miss many of the hubris-lite folks I worked with in the studio. Three months in news and I'm still wondering whether it's an appropriate fit for me. I thought I was a pretty cynical guy until I started working in news where a good day at the office usually means somebody was shot, killed, maimed or had their house burn down. There's nothing more distasteful than showing up at a person's front door because your assignment editor heard a 1079 call (coroner requested) only to have a police officer shoo you away because it was a natural death. And instead of informing people, we tend to just scare and alarm them. Perspective is anti-thetical to our news philosophy.

However, my new position has had its fair share of upside. The first is money. Hopefully by the time baseball comes around I will be watching Alfonso Soriano's Cubs debut in my own home. For a self-appointed loner like myself, having a place of my own is essential. The other blessing has been my induction into the revered Highlight Zone. Of all the things we do at KWQC, the Highlight Zone is the only thing that is guaranteed to be positive from top to bottom. It's a rush like no other and it's pretty much assurred I will be up until four in the morning on Friday nights, because it's quite the chore coming down from a night of Zoning.

A side benefit of getting into the Zone mix was finally being able to fulfill a childhood dream: producing the Rock Island Football highlight film. For those who didn't get it for Christmas in glorious DVD form -- you can check out a much blockier version on my MySpace page. Although I would advise you wait if you're ever going to watch the real thing.

So, that was pretty much my year. I'm sure I'm forgetting a handful of worthy anecdotes (ever tried to keep a camera steady while a tiger cub is pawing at your crotch?), but this was long enough. To finish up, I'll leave you with a list of my favorite blogs of the past year and five things I intend to do in 2007.

Happy New Year all. Don't be strangers.

Top 5 Blogs of 2007

1. The Hum
2. Garfield, Your Ass is Next
3. Identity Crisis: Am I Funny?
4. The Hot 111
5. Apparently, I Need a Girlfriend

Top 5 Resolutions for 2007

1. Buy a House
2. Finish the Sledding Syndicate Highlight Film
3. Remember Who Matters
4. Start My Brother's Book
5. Find a Girlfriend and End the Joke

Dreams Come True, But They Take F**king Forever

The last time I so much as looked at a blog was October 15. For those who recall, and I'll completely understand if you've forgotten me, I mentioned that I would be living a dream after Dan Pearson passed the honors of the Rocky highlight film off to me. Well, the reason I haven't posted anything in a month and ten days is that dream job has completely taken over my life. Whether it was importing video, logging, editing, smashing my face on the keyboard -- all of my spare time has been devoted to this project. I'm free to write this now because I've just finished watching my final cut. I still have titles to add, but I've hired out for that work. So, all of the editing -- the plays and the like -- is done. I've watched the final film, and I'm happy with it. As happy as a person like me gets with something anyway. It's the best work I've ever done. I can say that honestly. Whether I'm completely satisfied with it or not is another matter. It could have been much more, but that would require going back to the start of the season and having complete foresight of the season to come. Since I can't do that, I can only look ahead to next year with a new awareness of what I want and need in terms of footage.

I'm extremely nervous about showing this film outside of my family environs. First of all, this is a very different project than is usually churned out by TV6 sports. Music selection alone couldn't be any different. Perfect example -- my predecessors music catalogue deals exclusively in Christian music. My highlight film ends with Jay-Z and Linkin Park. It's a radio edit, but my mother gasped when H-E-Double Hockey Sticks was uttered in the film. Naturally, the kids are going to love this film start to finish. But I'm worried about disrespecting the people who allowed me to do this in the first place.

Oh well. I have to be my own man.

Speaking of... Christian music... I guess...

Weird moment of the day -- I got offered a freelance gig producing a video for the Salvation Army. I would have thought Christians would know a heathen when they saw one. Apparently not.

I thought when I started working in news, I'd have all sorts of stories to share. Well, I do have stories. I just can't share them so much. There has been an unreal amount of drama in my life since landing my photojournalist position, both socially and professionally. But it would be unwise of me to express too much of that on here. I'll just say that the work environment at KWQC has seriously saddened me, and it only continues to get worse as lose good experienced people and replace them with maddeningly green college graduates. And that's just the tip of the iceberg. If you're family or friends (who I see in person), I'll certainly share a yarn or two over drinks. But this is not the forum to air grievances when a few coworkers on my friends list. I don't want to become THAT guy (Do I Jules?)

Still, the upside that I'm looking to in the relatively near future... I'm buying a house sometime in the spring. No more apartments. I want a house. The money is being put away as we speak, slowly but surely. And provided there are no financial disasters coming, I should have the money I need/want in the bank by March.

But even better than that... if I get a house... soon to follow... a dog.

Eye on the ball.

Love at First Sight Means Walking Into a Wall (and other news)

It’s been a long time since I’ve suffered an immediate, overwhelming attraction to someone. Well, no sooner do I get back in the game, then I wind up on the DL.

Sitcoms and romantic comedies beat the painful introduction gag into the ground. They call them meet-cutes. Generally, a meet-cute involves a male becoming so enraptured with a woman that he opens himself to bodily injury -- a door to the face, a clunk on the head, etc. I didn’t experience a meet-cute in the traditional sense, only because my unfortunate foible did not occur in sight of my new crush.

To say I have a weakness for brunettes is like saying Krytonite makes Superman a tad itchy. It's pretty ridiculous, this thing I have for the dark-haired lot, and after seeing this girl, I can also say it is potentially harmful to my person. This girl is a knock-out, but there was something accessible about her that allowed me to manage a half-hour or so of conversation without making a complete ass out of myself. At least, I don't remember making a complete ass out of myself. It was sort of an out-of-body experience. I could have been speaking latin and not noticed, especially once she was close enough that I noticed the most amazing green eyes I've ever seen.

Eventually we went our separate ways (we met on a story), but I kept my eye on her, hoping I might find a window for some more conversation after things had wrapped up. And it was this stalker eye that nearly resulted in a cracked sternum.

As I was making the rounds through Clinton's first habitat house, I saw her doing an interview outside when I was suddenly and abruptly introduced to a doorframe, hitting it in such a way that I could not save either my body or my ego from intense bruising. No spin move. No deceleration. Just a hard, blunt, thump. A sound like “HNN!” escaped me before I slid to the ground,a pulsing stripe of pain stamped from my right collar bone, down my ribcage, and just past my groin.

This kind of thing plays so much better in the movies. In real life, there’s no charm involved. It just fucking hurts.

However, even with the loss of breath and the whiplash, I’m actually pleased that I’ve developed an interest in another human being after a long spell of dormancy. I’ve suffered from career myopia for most of this past year, and with my full attention devoted to those exploits, it didn’t leave much room for anything else. However, now that I’m getting into a groove in a job that I finally enjoy, I’m in a place where I can start to enjoy the beautiful things in life. Not only that, I don’t think my own self-worth has ever been higher, so I may actually have the courage to act on my attractions once in a while.

Sorry Julia, I’m determined to kill our favorite inside joke.

Dreams Come True

All my life I’ve always dreamed big. Blockbuster movies, book series, and the like. Up until recently I didn’t realize that I had much more modest dreams in amongst the epics, and to my surprise those smaller wishes are proving just as fulfilling.

During my sophomore year in high school, I set out to challenge a giant (or a giant in my eyes). A staple of the Rock Island High School football banquet was the varsity highlight film put together by Dan Pearson of KWQC. As much as I would come to revere Dan and all his hard work, as a cocky 16 year-old I thought I could do better. So, I put together a Sophomore highlight film with the full intention of shaming Pearson’s effort. Well, naturally Pearson’s highlight film was the hit of banquet, and despite the underground acclaim mine garnered, it did not even get played at that night.

Ten years later, Dan Pearson and I are coworkers at KWQC and co-conspirators on the Highlight Zone. Because of that working relationship, I’ve realized that Dan doesn’t have a whole lot of free time. This guy does everything. The Highlight Zone by itself is a monumental undertaking, but he’s also one of KWQC’s most community conscious employees. He’s all over the place. And when you have that many commitments, it’s a struggle to meet all the demands placed on you. So, this week I decided to take one of those commitments off his hands.

I am now the producer of the Rock Island High School Football Highlight Film.

For those who don’t know, this has been a tragic season for the Rocks. During the Alleman game, a young man named Travis Hearn broke his neck on a fluke play. He is now paralyzed from the armpits down and is rehabilitating in a hospital in Chicago. While this injury has been devastating to Hearn’s family, and a to a lesser degree, the Rocks, it brought to life a wondrous generosity in the towns and communities around the area. The fundraisers and benefits have been frequent and highly productive. It has been a remarkable thing to see, and it makes me very proud to live where I do.

This is part of the reason I wanted to be involved in the Highlight Film. This year it’s significance is a little bigger than usual. It’s a tribute to a team, a player, and a community, and I have very big plans for it.

I just hope that my talents live up to my lofty ambitions.

On With It Already

I'm a slave to routine. I only seem to function at prime capacity when I know what to expect from a given day, week, or month. When things are unsettled, just about everything in my life suffers. I only commit to those things that I absolutely must do, and everything else is forgotten or ignored.

With this admission, I ask for your patience and understanding. Since my transfer from part time studio grunt to full-time photojournalist has been, at best, tumultuous, I've had little time or energy to commit to my other passions, specifically my blog and my video opus, The Sledding Syndicate. I expect to eventually get back to these things when I get my schedule in order, but the timeframe for that has been extended repeatedly over the past month.

The blogging really upsets me because I've had no shortage of stories to tell since this news nonsense began. I've resorted to keeping a video diary simply because I want this weird time documented, but I just don't have the patience to sit down and write all this crap down.

Of course, this might seem hypocritical -- I am writing this, after all -- but I'm writing this at my desk, having just gotten back from a 1079 (dead body) that turned out to be a natural death. Talk about a distasteful experience. But other than the occasional emergency call, I'm extremely bored working dayside -- most of my friends and my usual shift are all on nightside -- and I can't wait for my normal schedule to begin.

I'm hoping that once I'm back nightside, fully entrenched in my usual grind, things will even out and I'll be able to get back to the fun I was enjoying before the transfer drama began. The only thing I've been able to enjoy since I got this promotion have been the Highlight Zone on Fridays and Studio 60 on Mondays; this just makes me sad. On paper, my life has seen a huge upswing, but in execution things have played out much differently.

I just have no patience with this training nonsense, mostly because there's no training involved. So, if I'm just going to be left to my own devices, I'd much rather do it in the company of my friends rather than the dour depressed, and disenchanted daysiders.

Somebody, please help me. I need my nightlife back.

Rantings of a Young Man in Flux

Greetings adoring masses.

It’s odd feeling guilty about my infrequent updates considering all of six people and one monkey actually take the time to read these damn things (and the monkey only found me on accident), but considering the past couple months have been nothing short of epic in their significance, I have to say I’m due for a serious update.

I think my entire family has been in decompression mode over the past two to three months. With Andrew out of harm’s way, or at least out of firing range, everybody has taken a moment to get used to living without The Hum, or at least getting used to The Hum on a different frequency. So, the habitual e-mailing has stopped. The phone calls have become as infrequent as they were when Andrew was overseas. And I think most of us, sadly, pay shameful little attention to the news now that we know he won’t be on it. I’m sure my brother keeps good tabs on his guys, but when they come back in November I’m sure he’ll put on the blinders like the rest of us.

All of this has had a disastrous effect on my blogging. I’m sure this is merely an inevitable valley after being at peak operating status during Andrew’s deployment, and I’ll get back to a more modest writing frequency in time. However, setting up a blog for my brother and I to share was perhaps overly optimistic. I still have hope for it, especially after Andrew knocked me out of the Fantasy Baseball playoffs last night after I manhandled him throughout the regular season. We’ll see if he jumps at that opportunity. Sadly, after sending us war stories for seven months, I understand all too well how anything we could write now will inevitably seem embarassingly pedestrian.

On that note…

A few weeks back I posted a brief blurb on my promotion from studio crew bitch to photo-journalist (newsroom bitch). Well, since then I’ve exhausted myself with training and the station bureaucracy. I worked a number for 12-14 hour days on both sides of the line, keeping my normal schedule on studio crew while training with the news folk.

I’m not a person who handles being “in flux” very well, and thanks to the childish animosity between news and production I’ve essentially been in that state since I received the promotion. It’s hard to tell if the lack of consideration my transfer has garnered is apathy on the part of my superiors, or perhaps that’s just the status quo. I don’t handle disorder well, and working without a regular schedule without knowing when certain logistical priorities will be worked out has driven me slightly mad. My training has been largely improvised -- I set my own schedule around my time in the studio -- and after my first bad night on the Highlight Zone this past Friday it became readily apparent that its been inadequate as well.

If there’s a silver lining to that disaster it’s that nobody noticed but me. This is good in that it clearly wasn’t as bad as I thought it was, but it was bad in that I was furious about the staggeringly low quality of my work. I think most people see me as a fairly low-key, even keel Joe. Well, that even keel has a lot to do with apathy. I’m not going to get riled up over something I don’t give a shit about. Unfortunately, I’ve finally landed a job that I want to excel at, and I will be very unhappy any time I turn in something less than stellar. And Friday was certainly less than stellar. It’s a tale I’ll happily tell again over Thanksgiving dinner, but the wound is still fresh and my knuckles can’t take any more wall-punching.

So, this post was originally going to be a brief heads-up about some upcoming entertainment offerings, but… you know… tangents. Anyway, let’s get to the task at hand.

-- Tonight, my favorite new show, Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip debuts. I’ve watched the pilot three more times since writing up my first review, and I’ll watch it again tonight (it’s in HD after all). I love love love this show, which makes me worry that it’s too smart to find an audience (Sports Night anyone?). So, I beg you to give it a chance. You don’t even have to give the full episode a try. If you get through the powerful opening and the introduction of Matt and Danny (Matthew Perry and Bradley Whitford) without being as smitten as I am, then you’re welcome to change the channel. Although I don’t think you will. Also coming later this week are the season premieres of two of my favorites: The Office and Grey’s Anatomy -- both on the same night, Thursday.

-- Last week Nintendo announced the release date and price for its new console, Wii. To give you an idea of how much I’m looking forward to this, I already have enough store credit at GameCrazy to get both the system and the new Legend of Zelda game for free. I can’t rationalize my excitement for this -- I haven’t yet played anything on the system -- but it is what it is, and I won’t apologize for it. Of course, it’s not going to help me find a girlfriend.

-- The most important event this week occurs on Tuesday -- the release of Battlestar Galactica season 2.5. This is, without question, my favorite television program of all time. I realize I gave that title to Lost a year ago, but watching Battlestar while my brother was away at war -- nothing could match the relevance and poignancy of this program in the context of our own political realities. This is just about the toughest sell I could find when it comes to recommendations, but I’m going to try by demolishing some of the misconceptions you might have about this show.

First, this is not the Battlestar people remember from twenty years ago. Today’s Battlestar is gritty, dark, and relevant in a way no show could have been in the 70’s and 80’s. Second, get over the genre. At its best, science fiction is unmatched in its ability to wield allegory as a weapon, and no science fiction work in the past twenty years has a sharper blade than Battlestar. This show makes you think unlike any show in recent memory. Questions like “Who are the good guys?” and “At what point do the good guys become bad guys?” never get asked in your standard television fare, but in Battlestar, these questions are the heart of the show. To call BSG a watercooler show does not do it justice. This show could be the basis for a college political science course. That’s how smart and complex it is.

This show will break your heart, quicken your pulse, and test your beliefs in equal measure. This is must see television of the highest order. If you have Netflix, put BSG at the top of your queue. You might just be caught up by the time it returns in the first week in October.

You can thank me later.