The Hot 111

1) Which person do you feel most deserves a most righteous bitch-slap? Britney Spears, if only to complete the white trash Xanadu she's built for herself.

2) What would be your Theme Song? "We Used to Be Friends" by The Dandy Warhols

3) What is the weirdest name, bad or good, you have ever been called? It wasn't exactly a name but I once made a friend so mad all she could do was spit and grunt.

4) Pick your celebrity mom. Joan Allen

5) Pick your celebrity dad. Kevin Costner

6) Should white folk who dance be tackled? Tackled? No. Clotheslined? Absolutely.

7) Ever seen anyone besides yourself doing the deed? Seen? No. My upstairs neighbors at my old apartment were less than discreet on the aural side, but that only ever lasted 3 to 5 minutes.

8) What is the sickest thing you have ever put in your mouth? A snail. Apparently the French totally dig em.

9) Do you have any fruits or vegetables with you? No, that's not a banana in my pocket. I'm just happy to see you.

10) What qualifies you for this position? I'm very athletic and willing to try just about anything.

11) Do you talk about Fight Club? .....

12) Ever Googled yourself? Indeed. My name turns up 430 hits. Only about a half-dozen of them are actually me?

13) Ever been caught Googling yourself? What? Preposterous! I don't google myself.

14) Where is Jimmy Hoffa? I hear Arizona is nice this time of year.

15) Do you feel lucky? Until I go to Rhythm City.

16) What movie could be your life story? American Psycho.

17) How do you contribute to the war on terror? I refuse to buy diamonds. Terrorists use the diamond trade to hide their money because they know most women can't live without them.

18) Do you support the NRA? Only when they shoot each other.

19) If Dick Cheney shot you, what would you do? I'm certain there would be cursing involved, followed by return fire.

20) If you had to have an STD, which would you choose? Something that doesn't itch.

21) Was O.J. innocent? If he was guilty of anything, it was putting together a kick-ass defense team.

22) What is the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the phrase warm front? Swamp ass.

23) Do you Yahoo? Only gay cowboys yahoo. Gay cowboys and that kid who played Darth Vader.

24) What do you put on your hot dog? Ketchup. That's all.

25) Ever been to Canada? I hit a jackpot at a Niagra Falls Casino.

26) Did you bring me back anything? What? I just get back in the country and you're asking me for money?

27) Do you support the minutemen? Anybody who makes me seem like a better lover is ok by me.

28) Who is the ugliest person you know? My station recently did a story about a 70 year old woman who jumped out of a second story window to escape a house fire. God broke the mold when he made her, and unfortunately he didn't put the mold back together right.

29) If your vocabulary consisted of only three words, what would they be? Fire, Bad, and Efflorescence. In a world of three word vocabularies, I would be considered quite the smarty.

30) If George Bush had your phone tapped, what would you want him to hear? Let's just say I'd be taking the phone into the bathroom a lot more often.

31) What does this world need more of? Education.

32) What does this world need less of? Placation.

33) What celebrity needs to fall off the face of the earth? Barry Bonds.

34) Who is the anti-christ? Jerry Falwell.

35) Finish this statement: I like __? Underscores.

36) Do you enjoy Spam? I have never partaken of that particular substance.

37) What am I eating? See food.

38) Are the Laffy Taffy jokes funny? HA HA HA! THE KITTENS WENT TO THE MEOW-SEUM! GET IT? OH DEAR LORD MY RIBS! HA HA HA!

39) Who is your daddy, and what does he do? My daddy is Dave and he rules all existence from the top of Mount Olympus.

40) What is the ideal handshake? The Exploding Pound.

41) Ever put dirty wallpaper on someone else's desktop? No, but somebody put a stinky red eye on my desktop in college.

42) What is on your desktop? My secretary. But it's not what you think. I strangled her when she exposed my money laundering scheme. Whoa. Sorry. Slipped into a Raymond Chandler novel for a second there.

43) Will you explain this to me? Was that too obscure for you? You really should read more.

44) If you moved onto Wisteria Lane, what would your dirty little secret be? That I was really supposed to be a character on Lost.

45) Did you let The One get away? The One and more than my share of The Twos as well.

46) Which game show host is the biggest tool? Alex Trebek. He thinks he's so smart because he has the answers on his cards. Every time he speaks with a foreign accent I want to smash his head into Potpourri for $800.

47) Do you want to explain yourself? What can I say? I have a little bit of a violent streak.

48) A kick in the groin -- Fair game or dirty pool? Anything's fair when the guy is bigger than you.

49) Were you spanked as a child? I earned my share of red bottoms.

50) Were you spanked as an adult? An occasional attakid butt pat from my teammates.

51) How would you explain a "tossed salad" to your grandma? With visual aids.

52) Ever found Viagra in somebody's medicine cabinet? I have in fact.

53) Did you look at them differently the next day? Only because I ended up stealing it.

54) Do you judge fat people? When I see them with a cart full of Ben & Jerrys, Tombstones, and Lays in the check-out line, hell yea I do.

55) Which cartoon character did you have the hots for as a child? Lady Jaye (G.I. Joe) got me hooked on brunettes, but it's hard to choose anybody over Belle from Beauty and the Beast.

56) Ever watch porn from your dad's collection? Please. My father's a good Christian man who has no need for such rubbish.

57) Do you believe in faeries? They're actually pretty hard to avoid these days.

58) *SPOILER* How old were you when you found out Santa wasnt real? I was told when I was nine. I knew much earlier.

59) Have you ever died? Not that I recall. But after seeing The Sixth Sense, I'm not taking anything for granted.

60) Ever considered hooking up with an ex? We all have our dark, lonely nights.

61) Ever watched Spice World? It came out on my 18th birthday. HELL YEAH I SAW IT!

62) Are you lying? Sadly no. My girlfriend and I went to see it in the theater. At least I can say I got in free since I worked at the theater.

63) What is the worst movie that you secretly love? Hudson Hawk or Saving Silverman.

64) Are you wearing pants right now? Actually no. I'm typing this in bed.

65) Did you wash your hands? Before I took my contacts out. Little side note: If you have cool mint floss, make sure you take your contacts out before you use it. Otherwise, it burns your eyeballs.

66) What caused your last break up? She was bi-polar and threw dishes.

67) Did you wash your hands? Incessantly.

68) Does Dateline's To Catch a Predator touch too close to home for you? Well, I do have a MySpace page, but that's about as close as it gets.

69) What controversial topic are you most uptight about? There's not a single topic I've encountered that I'm uptight about, and that tends to get me into trouble.

70) When you see an ugly couple, does it make you laugh or does it make you sad? Momentarily sad because I'm lonely (awww), then relieved that I'm still not that lonely.

71) How many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop? Nobody has actually licked a lollypop since 1923. And even then it was in a cartoon. We've all turned into a bunch of suckers.

72) If I told you I saw Jesus in my grilled-cheese sandwich, what would you tell me? I'd probably steal it and put it on E-bay. People will buy anything that resembles Jesus these days. And a bunch of shit that doesn't.

73) Have you no shame? Maybe a little, after the fact.

74) Name your favorite prescription drug side effect. Fainting due to rapid blood loss.

75) Do you know what a magic bullet is? Of course. It kills werewolves.

76) If you fart in public to do you try to blame someone else? Can't. Everybody else around me passes out.

77) Are you having the BEST WEEK EVER? As far as weeks go, this one is right in the middle.

78) Should food touch? Who am I to judge?

79) Is it possible that you may have children and not know about it? I'm still waiting for the Maury show to call.

80) Do you have a face only a mother could love? You'd have to ask somebody besides my mom.

81) Do you eat food off the floor? What food? And whose floor?

82) What would you do for a Klondike Bar? Since I've never actually tried a Klondike Bar, I think the better question would be "What can a Klondike Bar do for me?"

83) For what amount of money would you drink a bottle of Ketchup? Twenty bucks plus expenses.

84) If you were competing for Miss America, what would your platform be? To hell with the children.

85) Should Britney Spears have her children taken away? She'll just keep popping 'em out like a gumball machine anyway.

86) Do you have a trendy ring tone? Ring tones are for 13 year old girls.

87) Does your mom still do your laundry? My mom does not do my laundry. Dad does.

88) Which celebrity are you most likely to go to jail for stalking? Professionally -- Joss Whedon. Romantically -- Alexis Bledel.

89) Have you ever used Nair? People do crazy things in college. And for one week my legs were siky smooth.

90) What does red mean to you? Blood. Blood means life. Life means OH MY GOD! WHAT IS THE MEANING OF LIFE?

91) Deal or No Deal? With you? No deal my friend. No deal.

92) Are you a tight end or a wide receiver? Linebacker.

93) Why can't I quit you? Because I gave you the attention you weren't getting at home, and now you think there's more to us than there actually is. I'm sorry, but it's over.

94) Levitra, is it really about the quality? I said it's over.

95) Do you really want to hurt me? Do you really want to make me cry? Not necessarily, but you've pushed me to this with all your damn questions.

96) Have you ever in your life had a mullet? Right now I'm actually as close to a mullet as I have ever been.

97) Is it your fault your parents are divorced? They're actually still together, and I take full responsibility for that.

98) What can Brown do for you? It can clash with my black outfit.

99) What's in the special sauce? Ground-up Unicorns.

100) Are you a MySpace stalker? I've sent some messages that went without reply. Are you trying to say I'm a stalker now?

101) When you look in a mirror do you laugh or cry? It's more of a whine than an outright cry.

102) Do you use your powers for good or evil? Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeevil.

103) Do feminine hygiene commercials make you uncomfortable? Absolutely not. In fact, I think they should put out a compilation DVD.

104) Ever been in a porn shop? I've been in THE porn shop. The Hustler Store on Hollywood Boulevard. Jenna Jameson's breasts are cast in cement in front of the entrance.

105) Would you date a person missing three toes and one tooth? As long as the tooth was a molar and she never took off her socks.

106) Do you have street cred? Fa shizzle.

107) What magazine would you be a centerfold in? Psychology Today.

108) Do you ever get that not so fresh feeling? Every morning.

109) Do you feel stupid now? Stupid is as stupid does. So, yes, of course I feel stupid now.

110) Have you ever taken your ball and gone home? No, but I've kicked the ball onto the neighbor's roof.

111) Good lord. Is there a question you won't answer? Just don't ask me what happened in Vegas.

Ok kids. I'm officially retiring from the survey business. It's cheap and easy, and I have too much good stuff that I should be writing instead. But this was a good survey to go out on.