Apparently, I Need a Girlfriend

There's something beautiful about seeing a new in-joke born. Within a group of friends thousands of things catch on for a weekend or even a week, but not many actually hang on to the fabric of a particular posse for ages. Their precious rarity is why I delight so much in those rare moments when a new tagline comes into the world.

What's remarkable about the most recent joke weaving through my colleagues at KWQC is that it was born out of one of the most unpleasant experiences of my few months there. The unpleasant experience was called Kevin. I think every once in a while every workplace needs a corrosive influx of new blood to unite the old, jaded crew back together. For KWQCs studio crew, Kevin was that influx.

Easily the most marvelously inappropriate fellow I have ever met, Kevin found ways to make each and every member of the crew feel uncomfortable in a very, very creepy way. I never realized how elusive subtlety can be until Kevin arrived and demonstrated a completely lack of any. This guy stopped many a conversation in its tracks with his blunt vulgarity. Whereas I might make clever inferences and asides in regards to a certain thirty-something producer who feels that bicycle shorts and a sports bra are proper attire for production meetings, Kevin just calls her a slut. Whereas most of the crew has earned the right to use certain disparaging nicknames for each other (with love, of course), Kevin used them unabashedly before getting to know people. Most repulsively, the creepy little bastard expressed a lustful attraction to the two girls on the floor crew, revealing a surprisingly sincere, older-brother protectiveness in yours truly. For a specific example, on his first night on the job, Kevin felt this little gem would ingratiate himself with his new coworkers:

"Yea, the only time Im ever nice to my girlfriend is when I want to have sex."

Cricket. Cricket.

Before Kevin was fired last week, he had at least one offensive incident with each member of the floor crew. Though I witnessed most of them (for some reason my presence seemed to invite salacious remarks about my female co-workers) I went at least a week and a half before anything particularly offensive headed my way. Then Kevin decided he was going to join me and a couple fellow production operators in the lunch room.

But before I get into that little scene... a brief preface.

There's a fairly prevalent affliction at KWQC I'll refer to as the Dirty Old Man Syndrome -- the need for married and/or inappropriately aged men to not only point out any attractive girl, but telestrate her features so that those with a sightline won't miss the tremendous rack, ass, etc. Now, I understand that this type of behavior is basically Man Law, but I've never embraced it as essential to my membership in the brotherhood. However, because I am one of the few offenders of this particular code of depravity, I often find myself in awkward conversations with my fellow man. While in a recent training session with one of 6's cameramen, he felt the need to pause on every woman he found attractive and enlighten me on his evaluation. I smile, nod, and urge him to move on. I'm very much not one of the guys, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't at least a little proud of myself for not embracing the cro-magnon mindset. And it was this pride that had me ready to verbally eviscerate that misogynistic little leprechaun known as Kevin.

There I was waiting for the microwave to spit out my chicken teriyaki, having a benign conversation with some kids from production, and berating the players on Wheel of Fortune for their ineptitude, when Kevin walked in and sat by himself at a table in the corner. He stayed their quietly for a few minutes, not saying a word, setting up an interjection that would catch us all completely off-guard.

"Phil, I think you need a girlfriend," he said.

Stunned. Completely stunned. There had been no lead-up to it. The conversation I was having with my co-workers was so far away from women, that the abrupt shift nearly knocked me over in my chair. The only thing even remotely related to women in the room was the one on Wheel of Fortune I was reprimanding for not solving the puzzle with $23,000 in the bank (For God's sake woman, GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE!) I looked to my dinner companions as if they could help me decipher this glitch in The Matrix, making a deliberate effort not to look Kevin directly in the eye.


"I'm sorry. What now?" I asked, even though I knew I had heard him correctly.

"Well, you're always talking about girls, so I figure you need to get a girlfriend."

I was trying to smile and laugh it off, but I knew my eyes were stuck in Superman heat-ray mode. I glanced at him just quick enough to say "Um, not really" before I retreated back into my Teriyaki chicken.

Not only was I stunned by the erroneousness of the remark, but I was stunned by how stunned I was. His comment was so off-base (I rarely talk about girls. It's how I remain a maddening enigma to so many) that I couldn't even counter it. He might has well have told me to stop going to church, because all I do is talk about Jesus. Actually, that comment might have made more sense, because I make fun of Jesus a lot. However the closest I've gotten to "talking about girls" is to profess my eternal crushes on Kristen Bell, Alexis Bleidel, and Uma Thurman. Yet, those are throwaways inspired by an appearance on Oprah or a commercial for a new movie. I don't stop everything for a soliloquy on their physical attributes. Kevin seemed to imply that I was some sort of letch, and I took extreme umbrage with that implication.

I later relived the whole tale for Julia, purveyor of all things anecdotal, to see if perhaps I had missed something and become a pervert without my knowing. On the positive side, I got no indication of any subconscious perving on my part. On the other side, I opened myself up to a bastion of ridicule. Now, every day for the foreseeable future, my friends will remind me that I need to find a girlfriend.

Kevin has been gone for almost two weeks now, and remarkably the only thing that remains from his stay is this phrase: "Phil, you need to get a girlfriend." Not the fact that Kevin called Kirsten easy, or that he wished he was Jules boyfriend. No, only the fact that Phil needs to get a girlfriend. I'd be upset, but Jules, Kirsten, and even Alex have found unique and clever ways to jab me with it. As you can see from the comments on my MySpace page, I'm not safe anywhere. And if I know anything about Jules' evil genius, it will likely continue to spread through out the station in time, and there's really nothing I can do about it

..except find a girlfriend.

So, all parties interested in a tolerably attractive, poorly paid, 26 year-old with a playful wit send me a message.

Or more likely we'll just let the joke live on.