Back -- With Video

So, after a month or many devoted to moving into my house, I'm finally back in a groove. However -- for reasons you will see -- I'm still not in blogging mode. So, below you will find my compromise. Enjoy

The One Thing I Learned the Week of June 17- June 23

1. Sometimes, I'm too damn stressed to learn anything.

Twenty Things I Learned in the Past Two Weeks (June 3 - June 16)

1. WHBF Channel 4 cannot light their talent to save their lives. Tambrey Laine, their lead anchor, could wreck traffic, but you'd never know it from the way she appears on their newscasts.

2. While the trees in my yard survived the storms this week, the winds did blow down my garage door.

3. One of my neighbors is crazy. The other neighbor likes to use his powerdrill before 8AM.

4. In two, maybe three, years, KWQC television will be unrecognizable from what it is today.

5. People only want me for my DVDs.

6. In the world of idioms, rhyming trumps reality. Who has ever seen a drunk skunk. I had no idea the species was prone to alcoholism, yet they are considered the embodiment of drunkedness.

7. Too Much Information: One of the unforseen practical advantages of underwear is they keep your shorts up at the urinal. This week... there was an incident.

8. Using "More better" in conversation is physically painful to me, and yes I did it in a conversation with MidAmerican Energy.

9. One of the hardest things to do is keep a secret you want to scream from the rooftops. Unfortunately, for now, I know that keeping that secret is the best thing to do.

10. The best position I could possibly have at KWQC just opened up.

11. I am a huge fan of stand-up comedy, but NBC's Last Comic Standing makes me cry and wince just as much as it makes me laugh.

12. People are pissed at The Sopranos for going out like the show it has always been -- ballsy, literate, unpredictable, and very, very, outside the mainstream. I've never thought twenty seconds of black could be poignant, agonizing, and brilliant. Those simpletons who always watched The Sopranos for the whackings and the sex never truly appreciated the show in the first place. God bless David Chase for giving The Sopranos back to the people who loved it for all of its genius, not all of its gore.

13. America's Got Talent might actually be watchable if they dispensed with the delusional and actually displayed the talent that's available to them.

14. The weaknesses of its sequels has not diminished the delight of the original Pirates of the Carribbean.

15. Apparently, the technology of high definition televisions is moving so fast, even the manufacturers are confused by their own catergorizations.

16. I am not a fan of my unshaven face. My beard trimmer went rogue on me this morning, and I had to go naked this morning. I haven't been able to look in a mirror since.

17. If you want to see me go into a blind rage, accuse me of doing something that you do on a regular basis. Having some troglodite tell me to "pay attention" nearly ended in homicide.

18. Golf on television is wonderful to nap to.

19. The 4400 is the most fascinating concept for a television show that was ever blandly produced. I can't stop watching it, even as it bores the hell out of me.

20. I will never forgive the makers of Deadwood for walking away from that show to go produce the treacly, precious John from Cincinatti (even if it stars one of my favorite actors, Bruce Greenwood).

Ten Things I Learned the Week of May 27 - June 2

Warning. Some things I learned this week fall in to the Too Much Information category, but being that they were some of the more amusing moments of my week, I had to include them.

1. Of the 300+ movies I have on DVD, only about 50 are going to have a spot in my new home. That means discounted DVDs will soon be available to friends and family.

2. My favorite voice in pop music currently belongs to Pink.

3. My biggest turn-off: a girl without a sense of humor.

4. There's a parking spot at Best Buy, just two from the front, that is always open when I drop in. An old man with a walker nearly beat me to it today, but I was just too quick for him.

5. It's been three years since anybody's seen me naked, but that's still no excuse for me freaking out when Buzz snuck into the bathroom when I was taking a shower.

6. It doesn't matter how old they get, or how much they should know better, some girls still get all aflutter over quaterbacks. Even Steamwheelers quarterbacks.

7. It's impossible not to be a little bit of a tourist in a disaster zone. I felt guilty for being so fascinated by the devastation in the Muscatine area this week.

8. Mario Party's fun quotient diminishes by 1/4 each time you lose a player.

9. I am hoping that my closing tomorrow will represent a drastic upward shift in an otherwise static existance as of late.

10. Carlos Zambrano will be a bigger disappointment to Cubs fans than either Kerry Wood or Mark Prior.

Ten Things I Learned the Week of May 20 - May 26

1. We get a copy of the Victoria's Secret catalog at my house courtesy of "Mandrew" Rockwell. No kidding. MANdrew.

2. Kristina Shiroma is a little bit sciency, and a little bit party. And a lot bit making up her own words.

3. I'm not as cynical as I sometimes believe. The Travis Hearn home build was the first time I've been inspired at work in a long time.

4. The ending of season 3 of Lost is the greatest mindfuck I have ever experienced in all of pop culture. It was so nasty, so complex, and so unbelievably well-conceived that I will forever be in awe of that show's creators. The next nine months will be agony for anyone who loves this show.

5. Everybody I work with assumes I'm love with every girl I'm pleasant to. I can say, with absolute certainty that they have been off the mark with every girl they've suspected. What part of "I have a shameless crush on Keagan Feeney" is unclear?

6. It takes more muscles to frown than it takes to smile. So happy people are just lazy.

7. I respond to all of Buzz's indiscretions like the stiff at the end of the Mentos commercials. Hands on hips, shaking my head with a smile.

8. My brother has a girlfriend. Or at least he has a girl who calls him her boyfriend.

9. I have been increasingly worthless to the people that matter the longer I've had to wait to close on my house. But fear not gentle souls, because...

10. I will close on my house at 10AM the morning of June 4th. Finally Buzz will have his own fenced in yard in which to liberally spread his bodily waste.

Ten Things I Learned the Week of May 13 - May 19

1. My blood pressure is very high, and I'm likely six months away from medication, unless...

2. I lose weight. The doctor called me fat. Ever been called fat in an Indian dialect. It's weird. It took me a while to get what he was saying. "My feet? What's wrong with my feet? I don't understand."

3. Deep down I clearly think Jerry Falwell is more evil than Al-Zarqawi was. I didn't have near the thrill of hearing of Zarqawi's death as I did hearing of Falwell's.

4. I completely overuse the word "tremendous," and usually I don't even mean it when I say it.

5. If you attend movies on opening weekend, you are partly responsible for the high percentage of cinematic shit that Hollywood churns out.

6. I know a girl who, if I had any good sense about me, I should be dating, but I'm an idiot, and therefore, won't.

7. The DASH diet, which is the diet my kidney specialist prescribed for me, earned its namesake because it makes you want to dash to the nearest tall building and jump off.

8. I can do many of the same things I could do as a younger man. It just hurts more and for a longer period of time after I do them.

9. Kristina Shiroma has a bigger head than I do. Insert own joke here.

10. I am an evil genius with an excellently evil secret.

Ten Things I Learned the Week of May 6 - May 12

1. I have absolutely no desire to go to a movie theater anymore.

2. Buzz is White Sox colors.

3. I can sum up everything I hate about the television business in one word: affectation.

4. Friday Night Lights is coming back for a second season. Which means all of my nearest and dearest can expect an incessant, evangelistic badgering to please join me in watching the best show on television.

5. Harrison Ford hasn't made an entertaining movie in ten years (Air Force One - 1997).

6. All television journalism should look like Bill Moyers' Journal on PBS.

7. Just when I think I've outgrown my asthma and allergies -- they top rope elbow drop me and ruin my weekend.

8. Going to the driving range is not "golfing."

9. If you throw toys under the couch, my dog will give himself a concussion.

10. I usually get two good months out of Netflix before it becomes a total waste of money.

Ten Things I Learned the Week of April 29 - May 5

1. I'm sorry Barbaro's dead. Not because I give a shit about a horse, but because there are over 3,000 US Soldiers who didn't get near as many prayers and prime time specials after they died.

2. I resent people who watch either Deal or No Deal or The Real Wedding Crashers. The success of these shows and shows like them are the reason why the best television program I've ever seen -- Friday Night Lights -- may not get a second season.

3. May sweeps is where we in television make our money. It's also the month where we put on some of our worst television of the year.

4. Insurance companies hate me.

5. Sometimes the world is going to crumble around you, and you're going to have to watch and take the blame.

6. I am very attracted to girls with deep voices. And this concerns me.

7. It's impossible not to feel like an Adonis when you hit a golf ball farther than a driving range's outer limits (which is 300+ at Highland Springs).

8. Work has made me fat again. Too many stops at gas stations in the middle of nowhere when my lunch is in the fridge back at the station.

9. Wal-Mart is a scary place. Seriously. I'm not fucking around. There's going to be a horror movie made there one of these days where the hillbillies roaming the aisles start killing the innocent middle class folk who had to stop in to get some golf balls (or something).

10. I have moved past impatient into the realm of pissy when it comes to waiting to get into my new house. However, the fact that they've taken down the For Sale sign from the front yard heartens me a little bit.

Ten Things I Learned the Week of April 22 - April 28

1. Long distance relationships are bullshit. You can't develop anything remotely substantial when you don't spend enough time together to piss each other off.

2. When the wind blows through the trees in my backyard it sounds like the "monster" from Lost.

3. I understand eating disorders now. After spending a flu-ruined day alternating between sitting on the toilet and bending over it, I lost six and a half pounds. If it weren't for the rib-cracking dry-heaves, I might actually be on board.

4. It's damn near impossible to teach a dog anything when there are three people responsible for his care-taking. Grandma pampers. I'm the discipinarian. And Grandpa is just confused.

5. When I have a fever over a hundred, I have the scariest dreams you could ever imagine. One I'm able to remember is me packing heat at Rocky after a school shooting perpetrated by Omar from The Wire and featuring a guest appearance from Morgan Webb from G4. She wasn't so scary, but the rest was.

6. My impatience with the process of getting into my house is starting to get taken out on the people around me. I'm apologizing now in case you're one of these unfortunate people.

7. It's much easier to be into fantasy baseball when you're in first place rather than fifth.

8. Apparently, the word fifth doesn't look right, even when I spell it right.

9. I didn't LEARN this, but I have a strong suspicion: Lying in bed for 36 hours leaves you with more aches and pains than running a marathon.

10. One way to ensure that your favorite television show of all time never ends -- don't watch the season finale. A tactic I'm currently employing with Friday Night Lights.

Ten Things I Learned the Week of April 15 - April 21

1. My life seems to boil down to one major choice -- be sick or be broke.

2. There's something extremely hot about a girl who doesn't throw like a girl.

3. The entertainment differential between a good AFL2 team and a bad AFL2 team is astronomical. I'm actually a fan of this year's Quad City Steamwheelers team.

4. One of the greatest musical sins I've ever committed was not listening to Beck after high school -- a sin I've now rectified.

5. Just because you offend nearly everyone with your opinion, doesn't mean you're wrong. It just means most people aren't ready to hear what you have to say.

6. I punish myself more severely than anyone else could punish me.

7. I'm surprisingly uncomfortable around one half of my extended family.

8. The first sunburn of the year always sneaks up on you.

9. The Cubs/Cards rivalry is a lot more fun when I'm surrounded by Cardinal fans at work. Come on boys. I want that rubber match today.

10. Not only is Buzz part tigger, but he's apparently part gopher as well. He loves burrowing under the couch to get to the power cords behind it.

Ten Things I Learned the Week of April 8 - April 14

1. My dog can officially kick a Papillon's butt. Not a dog of much distinction, but he's only 8 weeks old.

2. You can develop dimples at 27. Or they may just be my first wrinkles.

3. I can't watch Friday Night Lights in public. I nearly broke down in tears watching it at work.

4. Many of the people in my fantasy baseball league think I'm stupid. I've gotten ridiculous trade offers all week.

5. I have the perfect house number for a serious Lost fan -- 1516.

6. If you believe you've been forgiven for some past transgression, get the subject of that transgression drunk and you'll quickly find out the truth.

7. On my days off, I can do nothing like nobody's business. Especially if the Cubs are on.

8. My first major purchase for my new house will be a monster grill.

9. One of the more awkward injuries of my life has no resulted in the gradual loss of one half of my fingernail.

10. You can't go wrong with free T-shirts. It doesn't matter what they say.

Ten Things I Learned the Week of April 1 - April 7 (Plus Five Things from the Uninspiring Previous Week)

1. "That's gonna leave a mark" stopped being funny around 1991.

2. If anybody gives birth in my new house, their child will be able to answer "Yes" to the question "Were you born in a barn?"

3. Kit Kat Bites are the first candy I have eaten to the point of illness since the infamous International Media Systems/Starburst Jelly Bean incident of Final Week 2001.

4. Though I'm not a fan of concerts, I find it very cool that my parents went to see Eric Clapton at The Mark.

5. One of the worst things about poor leadership is the inability to recognize just how hard everyone around is working to make up for their "superior's" shortcomings.

6. If my behavior with my new puppy, Buzz, is any indication of my behavior with my children, my kids will spend much of their time sleeping in a cage.

7. Sometimes a puppy just needs a good snuggle. Other times he needs to bite your nose.

8. Puppy teeth hurt more than grown-up dog teeth.

9. Buzz is a humper. Just like his uncle.

10. Live fantasy baseball drafts are tremendous, until the next morning when the buzz wears off and you wonder what the hell you were doing picking Chone Figgins in the ninth round (I didn't really do that).

11. Buzz is part Tigger. He bounces everywhere.

12. Going to the driving range last week was absolutely pointless thanks to this godforsaken weather.

13. Something that never gets old: raking a zombie's head off with a scythe. God bless the sick minds who came up with Dead Rising.

14. A five pound creature can still completely dominate your sleeping arrangments in a queen size bed.

15. The amount of facial hair I have correlates directly with my self-esteem from day-to-day.

Ten Things I Learned the Week of March 18 - March 25

Much of the credit for this week's list goes to "The Book," a collection of questions that Beth Marsoun has to make sure that her parties are never dull.

1. "Here It Goes Again" by Ok Go makes me speed, but the band name seems to suggest that its ok.

2. John Locke is back to being my favorite character on Lost, and that makes the show infinitely better.

3. I only eat licorice in pairs, or folded in half to give the illusion of two.

4. Nikki Clark is the only girl in my long romantic history that I still have hang-ups about not pursuing as whole-heartedly as she deserved.

5. A dropped camera at a press conference is a little like a young child tripping and falling in a public place. Everybody gasps and runs to see if it's ok, and then they talk shit about the careless parent when the crowd disperses.

6. I can't tell the difference between a vegitarian and spicy italian Subway Sub. Sorry Dan. If it makes you feel any better the spicy italian gave me some serious heartburn.

7. These lists would be a whole lot more entertaining if I learned to write things down when I thought of them rather than assuring myself I'll remember.

8. Swinging a golf club feels so sweet at the time, but the next morning can be a little rough on the ribcage.

9. I thought nothing more nerveracking than asking out a beautiful girl, but putting out a lowball offer on a house I really love may take the cake.

10. KWQC's 10 o'clock newscast kicks all kinds of ass. Nearly 1 out of every 2 television sets being watched in the QC area from 10-10:30 is watching us. It's good to be the king.

Things I Learned the Week of March 11 - March 17

1. There’s nothing more endearing than a super-model-hot girl absolutely eating it on a treadmill. Thank you Quatro Razor. Your commercials are truly off the hizzy.

2. And along a similar track, Becki Newton’s Amanda on Ugly Betty is the hottest woman on television. As skilled a comedienne as she is a cover girl, she’s impossible not to love even when her character is as shallow and despicable as she can be.

3. Part of me wishes spring training didn’t exist. For baseball lovers its just a big tease. Mediocre product with no consequences. I guess it doesn’t hurt to hear Steve Stone doing games every few days though.

4. For sociologically fascinated guys like me, open houses are absolutely thrilling. I could make a career out of just making up stories about the families whose houses I’ve visited.

5. The Spider-Man 3 previews are better than 95% of the movies I’ve seen in the past year.

6. I’ve fallen completely in love with a house mainly because it already has its own nickname -- The Barn.

7. HBO’s The Wire is the best television show you’re not watching (provided you finally started watching Battlestar Galactica).

8. Apparently, a boobshelf is a certain part of a female anatomy that is meant to collect portions of a meal that miss a lady's mouth.

9. Because Nintendo is notoriously slow in releasing their signature games, having a Nintendo Wii is a little like having a taste of the best sex ever just before the girl leaves for a six month tour of the moon. …. Holy shit. I think I just became the biggest nerd on the face of the planet.

10. “All that and a bag of chips” is the most retarded idiom in the English language. Does a bag of chips really up the stakes that much? Man, I thought that was great… then the Ruffles came into play and WOW!

Current Sledding Syndicate Highlight Film runtime: 9:57
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Ten Things I Learned the Week of March 4 - March 10

1. It's a little difficult to meet a blog deadline when you don't have internet for an entire day.

2. Winter is not kind to my waistline. No two-piece for me for a while.

3. If you use mint floss, you might want to take your contacts out first. Minty freshness should never be applied to one's retinas.

4. Any girl who can execute an uncoached, non-requested exploding pound automatically jumps at least a point on the 10 scale. I think that means the exploding pound has just created the ultra-rare 11.

5. Since I didn't become one myself, and I really should have, I think I'm destined to marry a teacher.

6. It's impossible to be "dark and mysterious" while wearing a stick-on nametag.

7. Don't judge a comedian by his sitcom. George Lopez defines harmless mediocre television sitcoms, but his past two stand-up specials have been two of the funniest I've seen in my life.

8. Taking my favorite show of the past five years out of my TiVO was just about as bad a break-up as I've had in recent years. I'm sorry 24. It's me, not you... No wait. It is you. Plus I found a new sweetheart down the dial. She's named Friday Night Lights.

9. After renewing my quest to create the greatest home video of all time, I'm now certain that one of my dearest friends should be dead today.

10. Sometimes, you just have to sleep on the couch.

Quote of the week: "He's nice the way your uncle who molested you is nice." -- Beth Marsoun

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Ten Things I Learned the Week of February 25 - March 3

Welcome kids to my new blog. It's simple, to the point, and it'll give you something new to look forward to on Sundays. It's called Ten Things I Learned this Week. So, without further ado....

1. An entire night with a high school senior as my intern showed me that even ten years later I still have nothing to say to high school girls.

2. According to a new pop hit bouncing about the airwaves, the new definition of love is giving your special someone their very own ringtone. Oh how I long for the day when I can look forward to Don't Cha blaring from my cell.

3. OCD + RPG = Where the fuck did my weekend go?

4. If you sleep by candlelight, plan on hacking some black in the morning.

5. How long do you wait to call a girl who just got out of a lengthy relationship? I didn't learn the answer to that question, but the fact that she has a new boyfriend is probably a sign I waited too long.

6. There is no answer to the question "What is news?"

7. It's possible to be pissed at a friend for doing what is in their best interest (it's only cause I miss you already Jas).

8. I need to find a sweet girl posthaste. Lonely Phil = Phil on the verge of doing something stupid.

9. Having over 1000 clips to sort through will drive you to homicide when you can't find the ONE CLIP that you need to finish the opening credits of the greatest home video of all time.

10. The Chicago Cubs are the closest I will ever come to a religion, which just proves my point that religion at its core is a completely irrational enterprise.

27th Birthday Q&A

So, three years ago, fully entrenched in my first year of blogging, I decided I needed some sort of staple for my birthday, to see how I've changed over the years. I fell upon James Lipton's questionnaire from the end of Inside the Actor's Studio. Here is this year's compilation.

Phil (dramatic pause) what is your favorite word?

25: Asinine
26: Grace (as in that of a dancer)
27: Hubris

What is your least favorite word?

25: Dude.
26: Job,
27: Lastly

What turns you on?

25: Intelligent conversation.
26: Grace.
27: Simplicity

What turns you off?

25: Ignorance, and indifference to one’s own ignorance.
26: Bad and/or irrational arguments.
27: Low self-esteem with a dash of desperation

What sound do you love?

25: The ticking clock theme from 24.
26: Rain with a dash of distant thunder.
27: The ambiance of an afternoon game at Wrigley Field

What sound do you hate?

25: My dog, Scamp, barking at the raccoons at three in the morning.
26: Wire hangers scraping against the metal crossbeam in my mother's fabric room.
27: The unwanted cheerleading of an inept weekend producer.

What profession, other than yours, would you like to attempt?

25: Chicago Cubs’ play-by-play man. I’d say starting pitcher, but who are we kidding?
26: Well, being that I'm unemployed, I can pick anything here. Dramatic television writer.
27: Sportscaster.

What profession, other than yours, would you not like to participate in?

25: Anything involving tips. Never again.
26: We're gonna stick with last year's on that one.
27: TV Reporter

What is your favorite curse word?

25: Bullshit or horseshit. Any word involving animal excrement I find quite delightful.
26: Bollocks.
27: Fuck

Finally, if heaven exists, what would you like God to say when you arrive at the pearly gates?

“I suppose I have some explaining to do.” This answer will never change.

Smitten (With a Catch?)

Allow me a moment to describe my present physical state. My heart rate is elevated. My stomach is in knots. My palms are sweating. I’m typing furiously; it’s all I can do to channel my nervous energy. My eyes are burning, but I can’t fall asleep. And my face has broken out in a way it hasn’t since high school. I used an Oxy pad tonight for the first time since the 10th grade.

And what is it that has me in such a sad state? It’s simple. A beautiful girl has my phone number.

I can hear the social elite in my audience scoff. Ooo. Big deal. I know most people exchange numbers (and other things) like they’re passing out Tic Tacs. Well, I don’t. And since my last phone conversation with her, all I want to do is talk to her again. I left two messages with her this evening, and it’s taking everything in my being not to call again.

What the hell is wrong with me? This is why I have self-diagnosed myself socially retarded. Fortunately for me, it’s not a chronic condition. It only appears when I am utterly smitten with a girl. How do I classify smitten? For me, there’s a very specific physical symptom. I’ll find myself thinking about her, drift off into my head, and when I come back to the real world, I’ll be grinning ear-to-ear. I haven’t been smitten in… I honestly don’t think I’ve ever been smitten. Attracted, yes. I’ve crushed quite frequently. But not smitten. Never. I’ve never been so utterly charmed by a girl that the mere thought of her makes me smile involuntarily. I got caught doing just that today in the sports office.

Dan walked in and stopped just inside the door.

“What are you grinning about?” he asked.

I smiled just a little wider. I was proud of my answer.

“A beautiful girl,” I told him.

“God bless you,” he endorsed, in his best T.C. impression.

I’ve found myself drifting off as I’ve been writing this. Unfortunately, I’m reminded of some of the stupid things I’ve said to her over the past couple days and then I just want to bang my head on my laptop.

I’m about to reveal a very personal secret to you all now. I’m not proud to admit it, but it’s essential to the rest of this story. I’m going to tell you how you can determine which girls I’m romantically interested in.

I make a complete jackass out of myself in front of them.

The last girl who got my heart rate up caused me to walk into a doorjamb. And that girl was nothing compared to the one I can’t stop thinking about now. My jackassery in this case comes in the form of bad jokes. Really bad. Now, those who already know and love me will tell you -- I’m a pretty funny guy. When I’m at the top of my game, you better have Depends handy. Tonight, there was a running joke in the office involving an e-mail that I absolutely knocked out of the park, repeatedly. I turned my producer so red with laughter Kool-Aid man would have been jealous. But I told this girl a joke tonight that not only killed our conversation, but may have creeped her out just a bit.

There’s a much wiser version of me in the back of my head who is screaming at the top of his lungs “JESUS! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? THAT’S NOT FUNNY! IT’S NOT EVEN CLOSE TO FUNNY! YOU FREAKY BASTARD! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?”

Hmm. That was a lot of caps.

Oh well.

It’s a good thing I have a bite plate to prevent me from grinding my teeth at night. Because every time I think of that joke…

Part of me feels like I need to justify my insanity when it comes to this girl. Thankfully, I started a list. It started off as a joke (a charming, if not funny one) during one of our conversations, but it’ll help me feel a little less crazy this evening.

It’s a little like Jeff Foxworthy. While his famous line goes “You might be a redneck if…,” my line goes “you might be my dream girl if…” Some of these are completely silly and superficial and I include them only to give as complete a picture as possible.

1. She loves her family above all other things. (She does).
2. She’s modest enough to go bowling on a first date (She is).
3. She’s a natural brunette, official hair color of the girl next door (She is).
4. She hates American Idol as much as I do (She does).
5. She has a dusting of freckles (She does)
6. She has a smile that lights up a room (She does, and the only reason I make bad jokes is because I’m desperate to see as much of it as possible).
7. Pure and simple, she’s sweet (She is one of the sweetest I’ve ever encountered).
8. She forces me to act outside my nature in a good way (The fact that I gave her my number AND called her is proof enough that this one is true).
9. She has great legs (Superficial, but she has amazing legs).
10. She’s an expert spooner (No proof yet, but dying to find out).
11. Everything about her is so perfect, I can’t help but wonder what the catch is (hopefully the catch isn’t that she never calls me back).

That’s just eleven. I have 24. In one weekend I have 24. But the most important one -- and I’m going by the evidence of our last conversation, not the fact that I haven’t heard from her tonight -- she seems to like me. I don’t know if I deserve that. I’m being a complete crazy bastard staying up late and writing about this girl I barely know. But I want to know her better. I want her to know me better -- to know that I’m not a complete lunatic once I’m comfortable enough to be me and not try to make so many DAMN JOKES.

See this… this is why I’ve been single for two years. Well, the fact that I haven’t been interested in anyone before this girl is a part of it. But a bigger part is this is the only aspect of my life where I am stupid, with plenty of room to be stupider. I am crazy smart, confident, charming, funny… blah blah blah blah blah -- but then along comes a beautiful brunette with bright blue eyes and a megawatt smile and I lose it. I run into walls. I have to handcuff myself to a chair so I don’t leave her 60 voice messages. I write three page blogs about her when I barely know her. This girl has made me completely insane, even though my friends can attest I’m one of the least crazy, most reasonable kids on the block (and if any of you frequent readers would like to swear to that effect I’d appreciate you leaving a comment -- you never know if she might stop by). But this girl has made me absolutely nuts.

I'm praying she doesn’t hold my insanity against me.

I'm praying she calls.

If she does, well, she very well may be my dream girl.