Ten Things I Learned the Week of April 29 - May 5

1. I'm sorry Barbaro's dead. Not because I give a shit about a horse, but because there are over 3,000 US Soldiers who didn't get near as many prayers and prime time specials after they died.

2. I resent people who watch either Deal or No Deal or The Real Wedding Crashers. The success of these shows and shows like them are the reason why the best television program I've ever seen -- Friday Night Lights -- may not get a second season.

3. May sweeps is where we in television make our money. It's also the month where we put on some of our worst television of the year.

4. Insurance companies hate me.

5. Sometimes the world is going to crumble around you, and you're going to have to watch and take the blame.

6. I am very attracted to girls with deep voices. And this concerns me.

7. It's impossible not to feel like an Adonis when you hit a golf ball farther than a driving range's outer limits (which is 300+ at Highland Springs).

8. Work has made me fat again. Too many stops at gas stations in the middle of nowhere when my lunch is in the fridge back at the station.

9. Wal-Mart is a scary place. Seriously. I'm not fucking around. There's going to be a horror movie made there one of these days where the hillbillies roaming the aisles start killing the innocent middle class folk who had to stop in to get some golf balls (or something).

10. I have moved past impatient into the realm of pissy when it comes to waiting to get into my new house. However, the fact that they've taken down the For Sale sign from the front yard heartens me a little bit.

Ten Things I Learned the Week of April 22 - April 28

1. Long distance relationships are bullshit. You can't develop anything remotely substantial when you don't spend enough time together to piss each other off.

2. When the wind blows through the trees in my backyard it sounds like the "monster" from Lost.

3. I understand eating disorders now. After spending a flu-ruined day alternating between sitting on the toilet and bending over it, I lost six and a half pounds. If it weren't for the rib-cracking dry-heaves, I might actually be on board.

4. It's damn near impossible to teach a dog anything when there are three people responsible for his care-taking. Grandma pampers. I'm the discipinarian. And Grandpa is just confused.

5. When I have a fever over a hundred, I have the scariest dreams you could ever imagine. One I'm able to remember is me packing heat at Rocky after a school shooting perpetrated by Omar from The Wire and featuring a guest appearance from Morgan Webb from G4. She wasn't so scary, but the rest was.

6. My impatience with the process of getting into my house is starting to get taken out on the people around me. I'm apologizing now in case you're one of these unfortunate people.

7. It's much easier to be into fantasy baseball when you're in first place rather than fifth.

8. Apparently, the word fifth doesn't look right, even when I spell it right.

9. I didn't LEARN this, but I have a strong suspicion: Lying in bed for 36 hours leaves you with more aches and pains than running a marathon.

10. One way to ensure that your favorite television show of all time never ends -- don't watch the season finale. A tactic I'm currently employing with Friday Night Lights.

Ten Things I Learned the Week of April 15 - April 21

1. My life seems to boil down to one major choice -- be sick or be broke.

2. There's something extremely hot about a girl who doesn't throw like a girl.

3. The entertainment differential between a good AFL2 team and a bad AFL2 team is astronomical. I'm actually a fan of this year's Quad City Steamwheelers team.

4. One of the greatest musical sins I've ever committed was not listening to Beck after high school -- a sin I've now rectified.

5. Just because you offend nearly everyone with your opinion, doesn't mean you're wrong. It just means most people aren't ready to hear what you have to say.

6. I punish myself more severely than anyone else could punish me.

7. I'm surprisingly uncomfortable around one half of my extended family.

8. The first sunburn of the year always sneaks up on you.

9. The Cubs/Cards rivalry is a lot more fun when I'm surrounded by Cardinal fans at work. Come on boys. I want that rubber match today.

10. Not only is Buzz part tigger, but he's apparently part gopher as well. He loves burrowing under the couch to get to the power cords behind it.

Ten Things I Learned the Week of April 8 - April 14

1. My dog can officially kick a Papillon's butt. Not a dog of much distinction, but he's only 8 weeks old.

2. You can develop dimples at 27. Or they may just be my first wrinkles.

3. I can't watch Friday Night Lights in public. I nearly broke down in tears watching it at work.

4. Many of the people in my fantasy baseball league think I'm stupid. I've gotten ridiculous trade offers all week.

5. I have the perfect house number for a serious Lost fan -- 1516.

6. If you believe you've been forgiven for some past transgression, get the subject of that transgression drunk and you'll quickly find out the truth.

7. On my days off, I can do nothing like nobody's business. Especially if the Cubs are on.

8. My first major purchase for my new house will be a monster grill.

9. One of the more awkward injuries of my life has no resulted in the gradual loss of one half of my fingernail.

10. You can't go wrong with free T-shirts. It doesn't matter what they say.